Uncle Bob's Joke Book by M. J. Stoppi

Author:M. J. Stoppi
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: RowanVale Books

Miscellaneous

There are some stories that simply defy categorisation (probably just as well!). They are simply intrinsically funny without actually having to define the origin of the tale. Here are some remembered from Uncle Bob’s repertoire.

A desert island was occupied by two cannibal chiefs, one either side. One day, they met at the border, one rubbing his big belly with obvious delight.

‘Wha’ happened?’ said the other. ‘You lookin’ very pleased with youself!’

‘Well,’ he began, ‘yesterday we had a missionary washed up on our beach; we had a great cook-up last night, and boy, was he delicious!’

‘Congrats,’ replied the other chief. ‘But, just in case we are lucky enough to get one washed up on our side, give us the recipe.’

‘Sure, first, you bring the pot to the boil, then add the skeleton, thyme, bird peppers galore, ginger and spices…’

Two weeks later, they again met on the boundary. This time, the second chief was in a foul mood.

‘Wha’ happened, mon?’

‘That recipe you gave me for cooking missionaries was no damn good at all! Followed it perfectly and when we came to eat him, he was tough as ol’ Nick! Had to throw half of him to the crows — total waste of effort!’

Puzzled, the first chief asked, ‘Tell me, this guy you cooked… was he kind of short and rotund?’

‘Yeah, kin’ of.’

‘Wearin’ a brown habit tied with a rope?’

Again, ‘Yeah.’

‘With a round bald patch at the back of his head?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You fool! Dat was not a boiler, dat was a friar!’

A new local authority tax re-evaluation policy wants to charge the people more if they live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those who live in a rough area. There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn’t taxed or insured and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist remarks. A shopkeeper has accused her for ordering the murder of his son and his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proven yet. All their kids have broken marriages, except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. The two grandsons are supposed to be in the army but are always partying at nightclubs. They are out of control. I hate living near Windsor Castle!

The sixth-grade science teacher, Mrs Parkes, asked her class, ‘Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?’

No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, ‘You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents who will report you to the principal who will then censor you!’

Mrs Parkes ignored her and repeated the question to the class.

Little Mary’s mouth fell open and remarked, ‘She’s in for big trouble!’

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, ‘Anybody?’

Finally, Billy stood, looked around and said, ‘The part that increases in size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

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